Pups beat Farts 13-8
(ST PAUL) -- Monday's announcement that long-time MPR softball coach (and host) Gary Eichten will retire in January was overshadowed almost immediately by news that Andy Kruse had hit another home run.
"I was actually unaware of Gary's news because I've been looking for more on the home run all day," said outfielder Fred Child, as he refreshed his computer screen every few seconds at his office computer to see if a new story had been posted about Kruse. "Do you think Andy has a twitter feed?"
"Gary, really?" asked a befuddled Linda Fantin. "No, I hadn't heard, but did you hear about Andy Kruse's home run?"
"Every day I get to talk with really interesting people," said Gary, towards the end of his Midday show on Monday, as he was explaining his reasoning for retiring. At that moment, though, programming was preempted by special coverage of Kruse's home run. When told later that listeners didn't hear the rest of his announcement, Eichten threw up his hands. "What can you do," he asked. "A home run is a home run."
Kruse, 23, has been a star for the MPR softball team since coach Tom, in his infinite wisdom, traded for Kruse in exchange for Linda Wareham and Jenner Klemme before the season.
"That turned out to be a really good move," said coach Tom. "The best part is the other team didn't even realize Linda was already suspended for the season for throwing eggs at cars, so she didn't play for them, either."
Coach Tom would not disclose the other team.
In his first season with MPR softball, Andy Kruse hit a home run in every game he played; 12 total in 11 games. "It's pretty obvious what's going on here," Kruse lamented later. "My other league was filled with giants and I was a mere mortal to them. But here, given all my training among such large people, I now am considered a giant.
"I have joined an inferior league, and that's just fine by me." Kruse then highlighted his point by throwing New Tom Scheck through a wooden fence.
Arguably, Kruse's most impressive home run came during the annual Pups vs. Farts game, when the Pups decimated the Farts 13-8. In his first at bat, Kruse sent a ball sailing into the neighboring softball field - 448 feet in distance, according to estimates by a rather drunk coach Jill.
"That thing (expletive) flew forever, man!" yelled coach Jill. "Take that, farts!"
Fart Tom Rothman was later seen slipping even more rum into coach Jill's drink. Coach Jill has not been seen in three weeks.
For the MPR softball team, Kruse's appearance came at the right time. The team suffered several odd injuries this year, including:
"I'm happy Andy Kruse is here," noted Than Tibbetts, a fellow MPR softball rookie who suffered a concusion during the season while diving for a ball. "He's the one with the ponytail, right?"
Kruse's arrival did bring despair for at least one member of the team. "I'm broke" admitted Jeff Johnson, a fart who agreed to donate $1,000 to charity for every home run hit by a pup this year. "I mean, seriously, where did he come from? I was expecting to spend no cash here, people."
Johnson's donations were made to the Human Fund, a charity started this year by (still) pup Brian Bakst. "This funding has done some great things for humans, including myself," Bakst said, in a statement. "We thank Jeff for his donations and Andy for his talents."
Kruse's overall shyness - at least compared to the loudmouths who currently dominate the team - has led some to theorize about the mystery behind his talent. "I think he can hit so well because he carries with him the ring of Zantar," according to pup Molly Bloom, who made that one nice play at second base during the Pups vs. Farts game. "My husband Andy had his face shattered by a line drive this year because he had thrown his ring of Zantar back into the Pond of Incredulousness."
Bloom was later seen asking Linda Wareham for best tips on throwing eggs at cars. Officials from the town of Zantar could not be reached; Kruse denied owning any such ring. "It's all physics, people," he added.
Kruse, a native of Appleton, Wis., is currently signed with MPR through the 2035 season, but coach Tom plans to meet with Kruse's agent, Johnny Rothman, during the offseason to discuss an extension. "I'm open to negotiate," added pup Johnny Rothman, who purposely flubbed several ground balls and flew out more than he should have in an attempt to make his client appear even better. "Andy likes the idea of finishing his playing career here, but anything's possible."
Eichten, meanwhile, plans to re-announce his retirement in coming weeks, just to make sure people actually know he did it. "I think Andy is going to be on vacation on the 29th, so I was thinking of doing it then," Eichten said, while tapping his fingers together shadowily. "Yes, I think that would do just fine."